Thursday, August 7, 2008

Daughters.

“I have a daughter,” she told me. “She’s beautiful,” she went on, “I never planned on her. I never planned on being a mother ever. But she changed my life.” I didn’t ask any questions about her daughter. I thought it might be inappropriate to ask such questions to a stranger. I just listened, and then she said. “I think made a mistake with her. I don’t think she knew how much I love her.” I wanted to shake my head and try to tell her all the trite things that came to mind to try to convince her otherwise. But I didn’t.

“Her father left as soon as he found out she existed, that bastard. I always knew he was a little bitch. We didn’t need him anyway. When she was little, I used to tell her I loved her all the time. My mother was always pretty bad at that touchy feely type of stuff, so I made it a point to be the opposite. I think a lot of young parents do that. But as she got older, she didn’t want the kiss and hug in front of her friends. I pretended it didn’t hurt. And then she met him. I knew he loved her from the start, that’s why I never really questioned it. I mean sure they were young, but that doesn’t make their feelings any less valid. He loved her the way she needed to be loved, and I knew that. I knew that she was getting to the point where she thought she didn’t need me, and that’s fine. All kids do that to their mothers. But what none of them realize is how bad it breaks our hearts. I lost her to him. I knew I would. I knew, and I think to some extent he knew, that it would happen sooner or later. She was everything to me, and I just had to let her go.

That’s the worst part about being a mother you know? None of us ever talk about it with children but that’s how it really is if you want to know the truth. We want our children right by our side forever. We know it’s never gonna happen, but that doesn’t mean we can’t pray for it every second we can. But then they go. And we’re left alone, wondering and worrying and hoping and praying and calling. It never ends you know? Even as your children get older it’s still the same. You might not be worrying about whether or not they need a diaper change anymore, but you always worry about whether or not they’re okay. If they’re warm and fed and well, happy. And that’s why it was okay that I lost her to him. Because I knew she’d be happy. I knew they’d both be happy. And I’d be broken and lost, but as long as she was happy, well that’s all I’ve ever wanted in the whole world anyway.

They’re both gone now. Right in that room over there is where she left. They wanted me to fill out papers and whatever bullshit these hospitals make you do. I said no. I said I needed to wait. They said that I can’t. Then, hah!, then I told them to fuck off. You should’ve seen the look on their faces! I don’t think doctors and nurses are used to hearing that kind of stuff from a lady like me. God, I hate emergency rooms. Some of these people just don’t have insurance so they get to waste everyone’s damn time!
Anyway, she was beautiful, my daughter. He was a looker too. Gorgeous couple those two. It’s kind of funny though isn’t it? That fat, ugly, disgusting drunk survived. Meaning he gets to go on ruining everyone’s lives by forcing us to look at him. And my girl, whose smile lit up every room she went into, who brightened everyone’s day, didn’t make it. What kind of fucked up shit is that right? What kind of mother fucking shit is that?! Since when is it okay for children to die before their parents?! Since when is any of this shit okay?!”
She stopped. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know if I should give her a hug, or call security, she was yelling pretty loud. She got quiet again though.

“You know what? I think it might be okay. I think she had more of a full life than I ever will, to be honest. It’s just, I told her to wear her fucking seatbelt you know? Children never listen. Well they do, but only until they find out you’re actually right. But of course, she would never admit that I’m right. Which is fine. I just wish, I could‘ve told her more. But I guess that’s fine. She’s with him. And he’ll make sure she’s happy. I’m sure it’s going to be fine.”

The nurses came. They had multiple clipboards. They couldn’t give her anymore time. She smiled at me and then followed the nurse down some hallway. I think sometimes youth can seem quite ungrateful. But mother’s will always know what’s in our heart. They’re freakishly intuitive in that respect. I think I wasn’t supposed to say anything to her. I think I’m supposed to feel bad for not consoling her, but I also think that trite consolation is worse than none at all. I think just having someone listen is more than enough sometimes. I called my Mom after she left. I think the no cell phone rule in hospitals is bullshit. I didn’t tell my Mom what happened. I just made sure to tell her I loved her at the end of the call. I think her daughter must have been beautiful. For her mother’s soul was extraordinary. And I‘m pretty sure, I just encountered one of the most remarkable people I will ever meet in my life.