Note to Self. Two.

I would normally hand write this in a journal, add it to the document on my laptop with everything I have ever blogged, then paste it on here. But alas I lack all my materials for said ritual. Thus I am forced to type as quitely as possible in my sister's guestroom while simultaneously attempting to not wake her sleeping children.

Anyway...

The people I have chosen to be in my life are everything to me. I choose to love them, support them, entertain them and forgive them unconditionally. Of course when you care about people so much, many times it's going to hurt a lot. When people leave, when they make mistakes, when they worry the hell out of you, it (for lack of a less favorite phrase) sucks. And then they come back to you, or you come back to them, and everything feels the way it always had, if not better. And that's the thing about reunions, more important than catching up is the remembering. Looking back on the stories of ditching class to go to the grand opening of Hollister in high school, or friends not being able to make "Easy Mac," or driving around your undergraduate college shooting nerf guns at each other, or seeing your roommate passed out on the couch with his laptop next to his face and his hand still on the keyboard.

Life is ridiculously hard. But sometimes life is just ridiculous. Maybe it's to offset the difficulty. Or maybe it's just because I have insanely amazing people in my life. Either way, try to live for the simply ridiculous. You'll smile more, I promise.

Note to self. One.

I am going to try to begin a new series. Of course I will continue my usual blogs, but this series is meant to be more vaguely personal. Here is the first of more to come. I hope you enjoy.

He’s the guy that you always know you can’t really have. You may have had him once upon a time, but that time no longer exists. He’s the man that you fall in love with time and time again, and every time it always feels like the first. You both know that if things were different and your life situations permitted it, you’d be together. And since you both know that isn’t possible you keep trying to go on with your lives pretending that your heart is completely your own. But forgive me, my love, you are wrong. You two are bound by fate. You will always love him, and he will always love you. And while this is known to both parties it still does not by any means ensure that you two will ever be together. Perhaps, my dear love, you both are doomed to never be completely happy. For you are doomed to never be together. And as sad and depressing as it may seem, would it be so bad? For while you may never be with your fated soul mate, you may yet have other loves of your life. Do not limit yourself, rather allow the love you have enhance your love for others.

AmeriCorps.

I grew up with scarcity. I lived in the same house my entire life built in 1942 in the worst part of my small town back home. My father was a drug addict, my mother was always ill due to a severe heart condition, my sister is bi-polar, and my stepfather has a gambling addiction and is an alcoholic. And for most of my life there were at least seven people living in a three bedroom one bathroom home. I don’t have one small moment in my life that has made me want to reach out to others, I have a lifetime.

I have never had money and I have never felt completely secure. And for a long time because of all of this, I was resentful of all that I came from. From 3rd through 12th grade, I worked myself to the bone to guarantee my place at a university far away from home. I wanted to get out, and I did.

But then I grew up. In my four years at UCLA I have come to realize that my life full of nothing but adversity has made me a better mentor, a better friend, and most importantly a better person. I learned to let go of whatever made me want to leave everything that was familiar, and to embrace everything and everyone that came my way. I realized, that maybe I was meant to experience all of the hardship I’ve endured in order to better understand and help others.

I have always known that while I have never had everything, there are others with absolutely nothing. And since I have never had much, I am able to identify with people in need. I have gone without many times in my life, and I feel that now it is my responsibility to at least try to ensure that others don’t have to experience what I have.

The truth of the matter is, I’m about to graduate from one of the most prestigious universities in the nation. People are telling me to go to law school, or take a year off to travel, or work at some big fortune 500 company. But I don’t see the point in doing any of those things. Because while a job would make a lot of money, law school would ensure a good career, and traveling would be a good experience, none of it seems worthwhile. I have lived my entire life listening to what people told me I was supposed to be doing. I got fantastic grades for 12 years because going to college was expected. I am graduating in June because my family expects it. But I have given my family and the rest of society 21 years of dictating what I should do with my life. This time, I am making a life decision completely of my own volition: I am going to help people. I don’t need any pats on the back, or thanks, or praise for being so generous. I just want a chance to make a year’s commitment to simply serve others, and if I’m lucky, maybe even make a small difference.

I want to serve because I know it’s needed. I want to serve because I know I can. I want to serve because I know that my life has made me perfect for it.

This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town.

Four years ago Thanksgiving came only about two months after I had first moved. And being as I was so completely homesick, I had already been back a few times before then. That first thanksgiving trip back home I turned eighteen, had a big party, saw family, did everything my Mom told me etc. It was if nothing had really changed.

I go home a lot less now, though I try to be there for my family whenever they really need me, or want me home. This is what I found, everyone and everything is different yet very much the same. There was a remodel of the one mall in my hometown, a Super Wal-Mart built, a BJ’s built, everyone from my graduating class is 21, and there have been a few more stoplights installed. But driving around town, I was reminded of all the reasons why I moved. You see the same people you grew up with all around town, every single place you go. You can drive from edge part of town to the other in under 20 minutes. And there are a total of eight exits along the one freeway that goes through town.

But as much as I love to talk shit about where I’m from, I am so thankful for being born and raised there.

I have a huge family. My Mom’s side has ten children therefore I have tons of cousins. The amazing thing is that me and all of my cousins get along really well and are pretty close for not seeing each other very often. We realize that although our mothers are pretty much insane, we came out alright, which is pretty good considering all that each of us went through. On top of having tons of cousins, many of them are married and have their own children which just makes the family even bigger.
And I’m so lucky because of it. I know that whatever I do, or wherever I go, I have this group of people who will love me and be there for me no matter what. My family is insane and tons of drama, but I love them, if for nothing else, our amazing stories.

Then there are the people I went to high school with. I made a toast to being a part of the best class to ever come out of Modesto. And I meant it. I moved away with the intention of letting go of everything and everyone in that town. But honestly, the group of people I went to high school with (who were in literally every single one of my classes for four years) are some of the best people I know. I looked around the table and just thought to myself, these are the people who give others hope for the world. They are kind, generous, ridiculously intelligent, and loyal among many other qualities. We have all been there for each other for at least eight years now, which I just think is remarkable.

So while I still think I was never really made for a small town, and I got out of there as soon as I could, I wouldn’t trade my hometown for anywhere else in the world. Because it’s the people that make it anything worthwhile. And good ol’ Modesto, California has a lot of very, very good people.

Thank to everyone who made this year’s Thanksgiving amazing.