Monday, March 31, 2008

Faceless Sex.

Once upon a time a young girl thought she was in love. And while all her better judgment told her that it couldn’t be for reasons including but not limited to: she was too young, too naïve, too immature, too incapable of fully understanding what it really meant to be in love, she felt it nonetheless. And it felt amazing. However, she was not the only one telling herself she was too young, too naïve, and etcetera. Her friends and family happened to be quite open with their opinions regarding her feelings for, what she thought was, the wonderful man in her life. The smart girl that she was, she disregarded everyone’s judgments placed on her. For she knew that other peoples’ judgments were solely due to their ignorance in regards to her relationship. Lucky her, he loved her just as much if not more. Everyday with him felt like the best day in the world and for once she was reminded of how happiness felt. It felt wonderful.
Because the young girl loved this man, although it went against everything she was taught in regards to morals and values, she gave this man all of her. The rationale being that since they were in love, it seemed silly to not make love. So they did. And like loving him, it was wonderful. But somewhere down the line, the man no longer loved the young girl as much as she loved him. And eventually, he simply no longer loved her at all and decided it was best to move on. Needless to say, the young girl was desperately heart broken. He was her first love and first heart ache. The feelings of happiness and elation were quickly replaced with those of sorrow, and she began to question whether the man had ever loved her at all. She asked herself the questions we all do when we’re faced with heart break. And she resolved that she would no longer be led to believe that she was in love with any man. She would no longer let herself be able to fall in love in order to avoid the terrible hurt that comes when it inevitably fades away. But because the days got long and the nights got lonely, and male attention was fabulously self-validating, she began to date again. Never willing to lay her heart down, she simply lay herself down in order to receive the stunning gratification that comes from being with a man. And while it was not exactly the same as when she had made love to the man she thought she was in love with, she was nonetheless more than satisfied following each of her conquests.
And so it went that the young girl, who grew to be a woman, lived her life. She did love again, for it was not that she made herself incapable of such an emotion, it was just she was more cautious. But as for laying with men, there seemed to be nothing wrong with it. She simply enjoyed company, and she enjoyed sex. Did she never even give a damn about a few of the men she was with, and on occasion even forget their names? Of course. Did people judge her because of such an attitude? Of course. Because just as when she was in love with the man, other peoples’ judgments were solely due to their ignorance in regards to her situation. But the smart woman that she was simply disregarded other peoples’ judgments. Because laying with men became so casual it allowed her to better determine when it really was love that she felt for a man. But when it was without love, it was simply uncomplicated, convenient, faceless sex. And that is completely fine.

**Also see: http://inreaction.wordpress.com/2008/04/03/faceless-sex/
If you would like to write about faceless sex or anything else please leave a comment with your link. If you would like us to write about something leave a comment with your topic.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Just a Small Town Girl.

A little somethin' somethin' less articulate...

I hate my hometown. It’s small, suffocating, and ridiculously boring. The tallest building is a the Double Tree Hotel and I believe it’s only fourteen stories. Our downtown is identified by this one tall hotel building, numbered & lettered one-way streets, the popular movie theater accompanied by the one real parking structure in town, and an arch that lights up at night with the phrase “Modesto, Water Wealth Contentment Health.” There are now a total of six high schools, one junior college, two bowling alleys, two movie theaters, one two-story mall, and one freeway. While there remains to be a growing plethora of restaurants that’s about it when it comes to entertainment. Although they have recently finished building an “arts center” the small town of Modesto, California leaves much to be desired, for young people especially.
What do you do when you have nothing to do? Everything you’re told not to. One can have a great time doing everything you’re not supposed. One can also simultaneously work their ass of to get themselves into a good university. So I did.
And I left the place of no traffic where the number of orchards and dairies easily overwhelm the number of ATMs, and I moved south to the city where everyone comes to make their dreams come true: Los Angeles. I never really came with a big dream though. That’s probably because my big dream in life was to get out of my hometown. Which is also probably why I have no idea what I’m doing with my life, but I digress. Meeting people born and raised in and around LA, I’m quite jealous to say the least. They have always been a part of this wonderful, ridiculously versatile city. And I am brand new. But while I make it well known, just how much I hate my hometown, I’m grateful my family raised me there. Because after three years, although I’ve adopted a few LA behaviors (especially when behind the wheel), I’m still in awe of the huge freeways, the uber-tall buildings, being so close to the beach, the culture, the people, the traffic, everything. I suppose coming from such a small town allows me to appreciate living in a city. There are countless buildings above 14 stories, over five movie theaters within walking distance, two huge malls with parking structures just down the street, and that’s just what I can count from the roof of my apartment building. To me, the city just never ceases to amaze me. And I hope it never does.
But, traffic still sucks big donkey balls.

Monday, March 10, 2008

For Jess.

With an absentee father and a manic depressive mother, her next choice was to turn to God. So she did. Becoming quite involved with the church with people she thought were truly good people, she began to think that maybe she could create the family she continually prayed for. But at times, especially when you’re a young girl in a small conservative town, when it feels as though praying just isn’t enough, vocalizing this feeling means having the common and horrible opportunity to be judged by the entire community. What people don’t realize when they have insanely strong conviction in their faith, is the amount of judgment they place on people, as well as how much this judgment negatively affects others.
It tore this young girl apart. She felt no ties or obligations to her family since they had never shown any to her. The church did not feel remotely familial nor welcoming any longer. And her so-called friends didn’t seem to have the ability nor the maturity to understand her frustrations with her life. Moreover, she didn’t feel the need to have to explain herself to anyone. Especially since explaining would merely jog her memory and force her to remember why she felt so shitty all the time in the first place.
But lucky her, she was still hopeful enough to believe her situation could get better. And even luckier, she got to fall in love. However, nothing is perfect and her falling in love was no where near it. Because she was so young at the time, and he was much older, people on the outside assumed the worst. They thought that he was just taking advantage of her, that since the law didn’t approve their relationship it had to be wrong. But if outsiders were so concerned in regards to the intricacies of their relationship why couldn’t they ask the participants in the relationship about them? It is because when we don’t understand something it’s much easier to reject it than to accept it. Because doing the latter forces us to simultaneously accept our naivète.
Eventually, she was able to find friends that accepted and understood her. And while they didn’t quite understand all of her, their constant love and acceptance was all she could ever hope for. These friends would be the people to help her through the most trying times of her life. (As if her childhood and teen years weren’t trying enough.) They would see her through having to break her first love’s heart only to have her own heart broken. Through celebrating independence to the great struggle with the responsibilities that came with it. She would make it through whatever life threw at her. And while others would breakdown, she would paint a smile on her face and pretend that everything was fine, hoping that soon it would no longer have to be an act. ‘We never let them see us cry,’ she had always said. And to the best of her ability, she insured this was so.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Farewell.

I’m not going to be what you wanted me to be. I’m not going to be a famous actress in a foreign country. I’m not going to be a doctor. I’m not going to be a high profile investment banker. I’m not going to be a lawyer working 100-hour weeks.
In all honesty, I have no idea what I’m going to be. But I know that after I do this for you, after I finish doing what I absolutely hate, what I’ve been doing for over fifteen years and I get the degree that you’ve made me believe was so essential to my life, I’m going to go away for a while. Even further this time.
And please don’t feel bad and think that it’s because I want to get away from you. Because honestly, this time, it has nothing to do with that. And please don’t be sad, although I know that that’s probably inevitable, because I will come back and I will be fine. I need to leave the city that I’ve fallen so madly in love with for a while. I simply need to get away. I need to see what else I can do. I need to help others to know for sure that my life isn’t the worst there is. I need to find out what the hell I’m doing with my life. I need to find out for sure what I CAN be to know without question that I can become whatever that is, and know that it is what I was born to be. I know that, that will not happen in my beautiful, fabulous city. So I know that I need to leave.
I know that you and everyone else in my life expected really great things from me. And I know that everyone still expects a certain level of excellence when it comes to anything I do. But to be honest, living up to other people’s phenomenal expectations, is no real way to live, much less be happy. It’s actually quite exhausting. And I am exhausted. I really wish I wasn’t. I really wish that I could be what you want me to be, and achieve everything you expect me to. But as disrespectful as you may think it is to say such things, this is MY life. At the end of the day, I have to live with myself. And if I perpetually force myself to try to be what you want, I won’t be able to live with myself.
I’m sorry I can’t be what you think you need me to be. I’m sorry that you worked so hard in order for me to have a life that you think is ideal. I’m sorry that you probably feel like I am ungrateful for all your hard work and for everything you have done for me. But I have worked hard too. I have dedicated my life to trying to become whatever it was that I thought you wanted. But no matter how hard I try, it’s to no avail. So I have realized that I have to be what I want to be.
So please, don’t try to stop me from leaving. Please don’t try to make me stay by making me feel guilty or otherwise. Please love me enough and be strong enough to let me go away. Let me be completely by myself. Let me struggle. Let me fall. And please let me pick myself back up. I know it will hurt you. I know that you will want to do things for me, just as you always have tried to. But I do not need that from you now. I need this. I simply need to leave. And I need you to be okay with me needing to do this. You are the rock and the biggest inspiration in my life. I’m not sure you will ever know just how much I love you despite what I made you believe. So please, let me go. I love you. Goodbye.