Farewell.

I’m not going to be what you wanted me to be. I’m not going to be a famous actress in a foreign country. I’m not going to be a doctor. I’m not going to be a high profile investment banker. I’m not going to be a lawyer working 100-hour weeks.
In all honesty, I have no idea what I’m going to be. But I know that after I do this for you, after I finish doing what I absolutely hate, what I’ve been doing for over fifteen years and I get the degree that you’ve made me believe was so essential to my life, I’m going to go away for a while. Even further this time.
And please don’t feel bad and think that it’s because I want to get away from you. Because honestly, this time, it has nothing to do with that. And please don’t be sad, although I know that that’s probably inevitable, because I will come back and I will be fine. I need to leave the city that I’ve fallen so madly in love with for a while. I simply need to get away. I need to see what else I can do. I need to help others to know for sure that my life isn’t the worst there is. I need to find out what the hell I’m doing with my life. I need to find out for sure what I CAN be to know without question that I can become whatever that is, and know that it is what I was born to be. I know that, that will not happen in my beautiful, fabulous city. So I know that I need to leave.
I know that you and everyone else in my life expected really great things from me. And I know that everyone still expects a certain level of excellence when it comes to anything I do. But to be honest, living up to other people’s phenomenal expectations, is no real way to live, much less be happy. It’s actually quite exhausting. And I am exhausted. I really wish I wasn’t. I really wish that I could be what you want me to be, and achieve everything you expect me to. But as disrespectful as you may think it is to say such things, this is MY life. At the end of the day, I have to live with myself. And if I perpetually force myself to try to be what you want, I won’t be able to live with myself.
I’m sorry I can’t be what you think you need me to be. I’m sorry that you worked so hard in order for me to have a life that you think is ideal. I’m sorry that you probably feel like I am ungrateful for all your hard work and for everything you have done for me. But I have worked hard too. I have dedicated my life to trying to become whatever it was that I thought you wanted. But no matter how hard I try, it’s to no avail. So I have realized that I have to be what I want to be.
So please, don’t try to stop me from leaving. Please don’t try to make me stay by making me feel guilty or otherwise. Please love me enough and be strong enough to let me go away. Let me be completely by myself. Let me struggle. Let me fall. And please let me pick myself back up. I know it will hurt you. I know that you will want to do things for me, just as you always have tried to. But I do not need that from you now. I need this. I simply need to leave. And I need you to be okay with me needing to do this. You are the rock and the biggest inspiration in my life. I’m not sure you will ever know just how much I love you despite what I made you believe. So please, let me go. I love you. Goodbye.